Is The Show missing The Cheerleader?

The Show has kicked into full force now. By the time you read this, somebody will have been shoved to the curb and the 10 singers who will make up the summer ‘Up With People’ tour will have been chosen.

With a few exceptions, this was another dull week — an unfortunately common event this year. And I realized something: Only now, after years of watching her and putting my hands over my eyes and my thumbs in my ears simultaneously to stop the pain, do I understand the importance of The Cheerleader.

Here’s what she did: With her bottomless optimism, she made all of the performers think they were genuinely wonderful. With that feeling came confidence. With that confidence came spectacular performances. Now that she’s gone, we’re not getting very many of those.

The Replacement Cheerleader, who is trying to do what she can to buck up the performers, simply doesn’t understand what it means to sing on stage. Why would she? It’s not what she does.

This week, too many people just seemed flat-out afraid out there. The Replacement Cheerleader tried to offer support, tried to console the terrified, but several performers just seemed to look right through her when she talked. Meanwhile, the other judges were savaging the performers — and justly so.

You, Joe Spleencrusher? “When A Man Loves A Woman” is not a sweet love song. It’s a soul-baring plea from a desperate man. When you sing, “Loving eyes never see,” people should feel pain. You and the string quartet turned it into a valentine. Go directly to jail.

You, Teen Triumvirate? None of you are ready. One of you was smart enough to pick a pretty Fergie song, though, and you deserve props (and another performance) for that.

You, Mr. Jim Dandy To The Rescue? I’d pay a $3 cover to see you in a bar. You could use a Bud bottle as a slide and perhaps swing the guitar behind your head and kick out a few bars. People would yell and stomp and buy you Jaeger shots. And I’d forget about you by the next day. Remember what Eric Clapton once said: “The world’s greatest guitar player — there’s one in every town.”

Ms. Earth Momma, I have a soft spot for your singing, but I’m 50 and I’m probably the target demographic of the stuff you’ve sung so far. That’s something to think about.

And Ms. Mad Belting Goddess, I really like you but I want to hear something else from you. You screamed to hit the glory notes this week. A couple of weeks ago, you hit a pure high note on ‘Think’ that I’ve only heard Aretha pull off convincingly. Since then, you’ve been treading water.

These people need a Cheerleader — someone who can make them believe that they are far better than they really are, so they go out on that stage and perform at a level above what they think is possible. There’s no Cheerleader now. There’s only fear — and, sadly so far, boredom.

  1. Megan

    I don’t watch the “show” (link broken, btw) – and it took me freakin’ forever to figure out what in heck you were talking about. For a while I really thought your blog had been hacked by a wacko.

    Clearly I am very uncool. Not that we didn’t know that already.

  2. Randy

    Link fixed. I’ve been writing about ‘The Show’ for years now. One of the things that has made me particularly mad this year is when the contestants take an old standard that’s sad/painful/sorrowful and re-interpret it as something bubbly or romantic. That generally causes me to yell at the television. I can’t tell you how much justice I felt when the woman who sang “I Fall To Pieces” as a cheery song got voted off the island.

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