There’s a Facebook/e-mail post making the rounds titled: “Top 36 Annoying Things Bands Do.” It appears to be ‘composed’ by staffers at a St. Louis club called the Creepy Crawl (which probably already tells you all you need to know). I thought it unintentionally showed what jerks the staff/managers in some clubs can be — and as someone who has gigged out for a quarter-century and has played in clubs tiny and huge, I’m in a position to know.

So, let’s do a little analysis, shall we? Warning: This is going to be long.

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Top 36 Annoying Things That Bands Do

1. Bands that feel compelled to bang on their drums and guitars in an annoying display of lack of talent before the doors open. Usually this occurs when we are trying to talk to someone on the phone or give instructions to employees. There is a place for this type of behavior, its called your basement.

Heaven forbid a musician checks to see if his gear works. Nothing’s better than spending the first three songs fooling with your rig because you couldn’t even play a few chords before starting.

2. Out of town bands that show up and say “We decided to bring another band with us, don’t worry, they just need gas money and pizza.”

Nobody worth a damn does this. You must hire terrible bands.

3. Out of town bands that watch you order their pizzas with “the works” and after they arrive tell you “Oh, we’re all vegetarians, can we get buy-outs instead?”

See No. 2.

4. Local bands with managers.

Busy bands — you know, the kind you probably don’t hire — use managers to book gigs, smooth over transactions, etc. so that the musicians don’t burn up all of their time with the business end.

5. Local bands that have a girlfriend as their manager (Can you say annoying pain in the ass?). This usually marks the beginning of the end for most bands at the Creepy.

OK, point taken on that one.

6. Bands that bring their own “personal” sound-tech. After seeing him try to operate the soundboard for 5 minutes the house soundman concludes that this guy has absolutely no clue how to operate a PA. Accordingly, the band sounds like total shit.

No, bands bring a sound tech because he/she has run the sound of the band a bunch of times and knows how they’re supposed to sound. Perhaps your equipment just sucks.

7. Bands that have more roadies than band members.

Again, no real band does this. You should hire real bands.

8. Bands that spell their names with a strange spelling twist e.g., junkeez, katz etc. After meeting the band, however, we are left with the impression that they didn’t intentionally try and spell their name with a twist but rather they just don’t know how to spell.

This complaint is coming from the staff at a bar called the Creepy Crawl?

9. The out of town band that was lucky to get the gig, brought absolutely nobody and bitched all night long about their time slot when being paid out $50 in gas money asks “Is this the best you can do?”

You just paid a traveling band fifty bucks. Did you at least kiss them when you did that?

10. Bands that arrive and state that they talked to someone at the club and were told they get to play 3rd at 10:30 and can play for an hour. When asked the name of the person they talked to they suddenly forget their name but are sure they talked to “someone”.

The employee’s name might have been “Asshat,” based on what I’ve read so far.

11. Bands who all arrive at the same time but no one is willing to play first. Subsequently the show doesn’t start until 11:30 and everyone has 10 minute sets.

Stage management is up to the club — or it is at real clubs.

12. Top 3 signs that the band will bring no one to the show – 1) 2 Weeks before the show they say “We’re gonna pack your place!” – 2) 1 Week before the show they ask – “What’s your capacity?” – 3) Upon arriving they ask “So how many people do YOU usually get on a Wednesday night?”

Clearly the club doesn’t draw anyone on its own. Perhaps it’s Asshat’s fault.

13. Bands who draw is so bad that even their guests don’t show up.

Or perhaps the guests aren’t willing to come to your fine establishment.

14. Bands who have no guests because they no friends.

Or perhaps their friends aren’t willing to come to your fine establishment.

15. Bands who bring absolutely no one to their first gig and then call back relentlessly to ask for another show and can’t understand why they haven’t gotten asked back. That’s fine, we don’t have to eat this month and we really dig watching you guys rock out to our empty club. Bands who fit this category don’t need to bother calling because the booking guy will always be away whenever you call.

Why tell the band the truth when you can waste everyone’s time with endless games of telephone tag?

16. Bands who after drawing no one at the end of the night apologize by saying, “geez, we booked ourselves at the Hi-Pointe last night after you booked us and we told all our friends to go to that show, that’s probably why no one came tonight. BTW, when do you think we can play here again?” (Note: see above for our response).

Perhaps their fans hate your club.

17. Bands who pester you to book their bands “side-project”. Side-project is another name for self-indulgent crap so embarringsly bad they can’t dignify it with a name and gives them a cover why none of their friends will come see them “perform”. (Would you go see your friend masturbate if he asked you to come watch?). Note to bands: think of your project as a project never to get booked again.

My side project would be to play at places that pay more than $50 a night and aren’t run by people like you.

18. Bands who show up wearing “All Access” laminates around their neck. (Note to these bands: We honor these laminates for the bathroom and parking lot areas only.) I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up but you don’t see me walking around wearing a spacesuit at the club. We’re convinced these people are recovering air guitar addicts from the 80’s.

Gee, clearly the band should know all of the rules at your particular club by heart. At other clubs, failing to wear the laminates might get you thrown out on the street.

19. Bands who right before their set ask to play without a PA so it won’t be deducted from their pay. (This has actually happened before). Sure, we’ll just ask the sound guy to go home for a 1/2 hour.

So you pay ’em $50 and then you deduct money to pay for your employee? Do the bands owe you money by the end of the night? That might explain how you stay in business.

20. Bands that want to play in front or the side of the stage.

Remember: Different is bad.

21. Bands that suck and then ask if you’ll swap them out a shirt. You know, our shirts actually cost us money and I really doubt anyone at the club wants to wear your shirt. How about if we swap stickers and call it even?

I’ve got something else you can have right here, pal.

22. Band members that ask in a nasally voice for a soda or water before the doors are open. Usually this occurs when your in the middle of doing something important like counting down the drawer or talking to a booking agent on the phone about a future show. You can fucking wait!!!

That’ll teach them to be thirsty.

23. Band members who walk behind the bar to ask for a soda or water. Band members run severe risk of bodily injury when this occurs.

I’ve played in lots of places where the manager has told me to help myself as long as I stay out of the way.

24. Bands that ask to use our phone line so they can check their email. Subsequently you have to kick them off 20 minutes later as they have suddenly decided to cruise the entire Internet.

Yes, you can cover a lot of the Web in 20 minutes. Or perhaps you can check your e-mail.

25. Out of town bands that show up at 1:30 in the afternoon while you’re doing work at the club. They then want to hang out with you all day and ask endlessly annoying questions while you work.

Like: “What’s it like being such a jerk day after day? Don’t you hate yourself? Doesn’t everyone hate you? How do you go on living?”

26. Bands who when you tell them they have 1 more song left because they’re running late into their set decide to play a 45 minute opus full of self-absorbed guitar solos covering in its entirety side 2 of Pink Floyds’ Dark Side of The Moon.

OK, good point there.

27. Bands that pester you constantly to open for a particular touring band because they swear they worship them and are the guiding light of their musical lives. On the day of the show and after you told them sorry but the show was already filled up they don’t even bother to come to the show. However, someone at the show reports hearing they decided to catch the Urge at the Pageant instead.

Because you run an asshat operation. I thought we’d covered that.

28. Bands that cancel playing on the day of the show because even though you’ve had them booked for 2 months it wasn’t until yesterday that someone in the band decided maybe then was a good time to try and ask off work.

Or they realized that $50 for a gig, minus a fee for the PA person, should never be tolerated.

29. Bands that can’t play longer than a 15 minute set.

You get what you pay for.

30. Bands that give big lectures on stage about how important it is to support “the scene” but at the end of their set want to get paid ASAP and don’t want to wait until the other bands get done.

It’s a weeknight, you have a day job because you can’t make any money working in dives like this, and you have to get home and get some sleep. Clearly you are a bad person.

31 – 35: Bands that don’t correctly understand the definition of these terms –

Load-In Time

CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: If a band has a load-in time of say 6:30 from that time they may attempt to enter the premises and inquire about loading in of their gear. If they by chance happen to arrive early they occupy themselves with other activities to fill in the time, such as: visit the library, worship at a local church or synagogue or beating up the homeless guy living in the dumpster.

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: If a band has a load-in time of say 6:30 they arrive at 1:45 in the afternoon and knock incessantly on the back door. Usually they knock while the owner is in the basement knee-deep in standing shit working with a plumber to fix a leaking drain pipe. After trudging all the way upstairs to find 5 snot nosed kids asking if they can load-in now (and hang out) they are politely told to fuck off and come back at 6:30.

You can’t politely tell someone to F.O. Five snot-nosed kids, eh? Wow, talk about ‘loving the scene.’

Promoter

CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: This is a person who actively works to promote a show. They promote by distributing flyers, plugging the show wherever they can and trying to get as many people as possible to come to the show. If they have an out of town booked on the show they take financial responsibilty to ensure they get paid and are taken care of in whatever way they need. They also take charge in organizing the show and making sure all the bands know when they are scheduled to play and how the money works for getting paid.

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: This is a person who after asking incessantly to put on a show does the following 1) fails to promote show in any way 2) fails to communicate any show details like lineup or order of the bands to the club (or the bands) 3) makes themselves very scarce at the show , assuming they show up (they sometimes make a pathetic phone call just before doors to say they’ve just contracted a rare disease called pussyitis and to please take care of the out of town band). If they do show up and when questioned about things like band order, who’s taking care of the bands etc. only respond with a blank stare.

It’s called karma.

Gas Money:

CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: Gas Money is a term used to designate an amount of money to get a touring band to their next show. It sometimes includes a little more than that so they buy themselves some fast-food on their way or if their lucky enough to cover a room at a Motel 6. Generally gas money would be considered anything from $30 to $75 and depends on how well the show goes.

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: $200 is not gas money. $200 is we’re partying all night on the East Side and getting privates for everyone in the band (pick your joint).

$200 is $40 per person for a five-piece band. I’m a harmonica player in a rootsy music band with a very basic rig, and even *I* bring about $1,200 of gear to a gig. Just think: After 30 gigs at $40/night, I’ll cover my nut if absolutely nothing breaks (and something always breaks). This ain’t party money.

Touring Band:

CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: This is a band that is engaged on a “tour”. They come to the Creepy Crawl while on their tour and often come from far away places such as the far corners of the country, Canada, Europe or Asia. They are on the road for extended periods of time, sometimes for several months at a time, in a van or bus and experience many new places along their journey. These bands are always entitled to at least gas money or more.

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: Driving up from Festus does not make you a touring band.

You have a band in from Europe and you’re giving them gas money. You are special.
A “Following”:

CORRECT UNDERSTANDING: A “following” is a collection of fans that attend the performances of a particular band. This is what bands trying to get ahead in the business try to develop and expand over time and is a measure of their general popularity. The larger a bands following generally means they will be booked more often and on better nights at the Creepy Crawl

INCORRECT UNDERSTANDING: A “following” does not mean all the people that came to see the other bands count as your bands following (perhaps their rushing out the exit when you started was a clue). And, yes, this means the Jager girls at the club that night probably didn’t come to see you and probably won’t be following you to your next show.

A ‘following’ is also created by a successful club. Well-run, well-managed clubs draw customers who actually enjoy being there and will come out just to hear the music — because the patrons trust the club to find good music. Asshat clubs have to rely entirely on the (inevitably new and bad) bands to draw the crowd.

36. Bands that read this list and then send us emails like this one – annoyingemail.

Ya reaps what ya sows.