Dear Bristol and Levi:

First: Congratulations. Awesome.

Second: Sure, Levi, your mother-in-law-to-be is no fan, but lots of guys in your shoes have that problem. Besides, it’s not like she can sic the state police (or Swiss Guards, or whatever they’re called up there) on you any more. She can fume if she wants, but she’s busy these days making enough money to fill an oil tanker and keeping the entire fact-checking industry employed, so she’s got other concerns.

Third: You’re going to need a band for the reception. Might I suggest my band?

Yes, by your standards, we’re old farts playing old-fart music — but that’s a good thing because we can actually sing and play instruments. You want something more modern? Well, just try to find a band that can cover, say, Ke$ha. Even Ke$ha can’t cover Ke$ha without hundreds of thousands of dollars of electronic equipment to distill and modify whatever it is that she calls a voice. You’re just not going to find a band that can afford the gear necessary to play that stuff.

And DJs? Well, I’d be concerned about the 85 percent divorce rate for couples who use a DJ at their wedding reception. Plus, DJs put real musicians out of work. You don’t want the picketers and headlines a decision like that would bring.

We’re also low-maintenance. You can put us in a corner or on a stage and we’ll play music for hours and hours. We won’t be distracted, either. Loud uncles, break-dancing, high-sticking…none of that will stop us from playing. And by Alaska standards, we hardly booze it up at all, so you’ll have little trouble from us on that front.

And Levi, think about this: Hire us, and the band at your wedding will have a journalist in it. It’s like poking your mother-in-law with a stick, only safer and with a far higher degree of deniability.

I must warn you that we won’t come too cheaply. It’s a considerable expense to travel to you, especially with all of our gear and our security team, but I think we’re worth it.

Hire us. We’ll make your wedding reception something to remember (although, now that I think about it, your reception is likely to be something to remember no matter what you do).

Best wishes,

–Randy