The Des Moines Register is currently running a photo gallery filled with dozens of user photos…from their proms. Some of the photos (particularly ones of a certain era) are just as bad as you might think, but it’s a brilliant idea.

I’m sure that somewhere in my piles of useless crap, my prom photos still exist. They’ll never see the light of day, though. Never ever ever ever.

Flash back to 1977, an era of truly bad tuxedo fashion. My junior prom tux was baby blue, with dark blue velvet lapels and the hideous frilly French-cuffed shirt that was so much in fashion at the time. My blue velvet bow tie was big enough to propel a boat. I wore two-tone black-and-white shoes that my dad thought were a good idea (and he was wrong even then). I had a hairstyle that appeared to have been chiseled from Fiberglas.

Jody was my date, and I took her to the prom as a favor to her best friend, with whom I had a fun-but-platonic relationship. Between the time that I asked Jody out and the time of the event, we realized that perhaps this date wasn’t such a good idea, and it made for a very awkward evening.

I didn’t even put my arm around her for the prom photo, which was a mean and tacky thing to do, and I still regret it 31 years later. I remember almost nothing about the night except that the band was really good. I was thrilled when the whole thing ended.

And that was my prom experience. I was a senior the next year, but I broke up with my girlfriend a couple of months before prom and I got shot down by another girl when I asked her out. It’s just as well: Had I gone, there would be still yet another photo of me out there in yet another hideous tuxedo.