I started the new job this week, which meant I regularly rode the Metro for the first time in a decade. The Metro is the same as it ever was, only ridiculously more expensive, mildly dirtier and more crowded and…apparently filled with zombies.

Seriously. These people are everywhere. They plug their headsets into their smartphones and become the walking dead. There is no other explanation. It’s fine in the actual subway cars, but when I started pinballing off person after person in the stations because other riders couldn’t unplug, I realized something was seriously wrong (I also couldn’t help but wonder about their long-term hearing, but this is how nature culls the herd).

All of the obliviousness makes me want to go to pickpocket school. Honestly, I feel like I could shiv some of these people and it would take them hours to get a clue.

So do humanity a favor: When you’re in a Metro station hustling from train to train during your morning commute, unplug for 30 stupid seconds. You’ll be glad you did.