When Jordan Zimmermann walked off that mound Saturday at Nats Park, I sensed we were heading for a Washington Sports Death Spiral. That’s not because I opposed the move per se, unlike so many fanboys and fake-controversy sportswriters. Pulling the starter in the 9th if a runner gets on base is a super-common baseball move, one that goes down dozens of times in a season. That’s a fact.

But we’re not talking about facts here. We’re talking about what always happens to Washington sports teams, who so often manage to grab defeat from the jaws of victory. And sure enough, Drew “Why me? Why now? WHY?” Storen came on after Zimmermann to blow another postseason save…but not so badly as to cost the Nats the game at that point. No no no no no. Additional suffering was needed, and we got another nine innings of it before the Nats lost the longest game in postseason history, and I knew the curse had fallen and the series was doomed.

This is what it is like to be a sports fan in Washington. Pro sports teams here suck a lot, and when they don’t suck, they find spectacular ways to lose in the playoffs. It is not enough for them to be beaten. They must lose their composure (I’m looking at you, Asdrubal Cabrera) and their stars must underachieve spectacularly at the worst time (note how the Nats’ Disappearing Middle of the Lineup got clobbered by San Fran’s not-very-impressive starting pitchers).

I actually assumed the Nats would win Game 4 in San Francisco on Tuesday so they could come back here and gack it up again in spectacularly soul-crushing fashion. There was a reason for this: I was at games 4 and 5 in 2012, when I got the bitterest of tastes of what it’s like to be a fan here. First, Jayson Werth built up hope with his spectacular homer to win Game 4…and then the Nats blew a 6-1 lead to lose Game 5 and the series. And the pain of that is still so raw that I already had decided not to go to Game 5 here this time around, if the Nats had made it that far.

Don’t get me started about the Caps. They have perfected this sort of hot mess and everyone knows it.

The Wizards usually just suck and leave it at that, although their preferred method of suckage can involve little things like out-of-control parties at player houses and handgun-backed threats in the locker room. Now they’re starting to overachieve: Their playoff run last year was actually quite admirable, and they’re considered among the NBA’s powerhouses in the East for the upcoming season.

Run away, Wizards fans. Run away now before your soul is smashed into tiny bits. Because it’s coming. Oh, yes, it’s coming.

The Redskins have been the very model of ridiculous failure for some time now — especially at quarterback, where the pain has been continuous ever since Gus Frerotte head-butted that wall.

I put up a Facebook post earlier this week noting that being a Washington sports fan was like being Charlie Brown on the football field. You stand there at kickoff, knowing in your heart that Lucy is going to pull that ball away yet still again when you go to kick it, and yet some idiotic part of you thinks this is the time it’s all going to work out beautifully.

It won’t. It won’t. All of the evidence says it won’t, and you’ll walk around like a zombie for weeks after you learn this the hard way. And then you’ll probably learn it again. And again.

I fell down the sucker’s well again with the Nats this year after their August winning streak, when they were picking off game after game in the most spectacular walkoff fashion. Suddenly, they weren’t the talented-but-soft Nats. They were hardcore and looked like champions. Of course, Soriano was failing and flailing at the same time — harbinger alert! — but I chose to ignore that and focus on the unicorns and rainbows.

And then Zimmermann walked off that mound, and the Nats collapsed in slo-mo, and here I am again feeling raw and exposed.

I never learn. We never learn. Our new sports motto: Keep. Hope. Dead.